Migraine Darkness

Sometimes living loved means I become vulnerable with where I suffer.

I suffer with migraines, but I hope in my Healer.

“Be still, and know that I am God. I am exalted among the nations. I am exalted in the earth.” -‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46:11‬ ‭TLV‬‬

I am still right now. With a migraine. In the dark.

And this happens often. Ten to fifteen times a month.

All of the people who know me will probably wonder, wait, aren’t you a Christian? Have you asked for healing?

Asked? Yes.

Received? Yes.

Felt? Not yet.

What does that even mean? It means that I believe Adonai doesn’t want me to suffer, so there will be healing. That also means I don’t get to chose when or how. Because that’s what relationship is. I love Him, and I don’t control Him by my prayers or requests. He controls ME, with love, grace, mercy, patience, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control. He offers me life and beauty in the midst of this raw, vomitrocious pain, and doesn’t leave me in the dark.

Tonight, I am in bed, being still, fighting pain and nausea, waiting for the meds to return me to some semblance of normal. But God is here beside me. And I reverence Him.

Perhaps people who haven’t suffered much won’t understand, but when it’s yourself, your pain, and silence in a room, God is either there, or we ask Him to leave. If we ask Him to sit with us, He does. And He brings peace and spirit-life with Him. Almost in a way that causes another human’s words to be irreverent when they barge in and ask questions, or perhaps look at us like it’s our fault we suffer.

Maybe sometimes it is our fault. Maybe sometimes it’s not. (John 9:3)

God is judge.

But maybe sometimes God wants to sit next to us and shine a light through our pain so others can see the way to Jesus. Yeshua.

I desire all that God has for me on this side of eternity. But more than that, I desire Him. I just want to know Him.

He is a good shepherd. A good Father. A Comforter….. All things we really don’t understand in this day and age.

I need Him because the dark presses in. Because it can be cold and lonely. All I know how to do is cry out and worship, even if it’s in my heart or in a whisper.

How do I know if I’ve led a successful life? Some say if your relationship with God is good, you won’t have hard circumstances on this earth. Maybe that’s not how God measures success.

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have shalom. In the world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world!” -‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭TLV‬‬

Live loved.

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